'The beast is loose in the streets of Bethlehem, the rats are in the corn'

For some reason somebody left a light bulb standing upright on the toilet cistern, and nobody in my house got the joke when I asked if the toilet had had a really good idea. :-(

Last week I did the joyously narcissistic thing of searching for songs with my name in them. I'm so vain, I probably think those songs are about me. Oh shut up, Joanna. So yeah, to be honest, hearing songs with my name in freaks me out a little bit (okay, almost to the point of mania in some cases - The one from Sweeney Todd, par example. Though I won't pretend the line 'I'll steal you' isn't a little bit...thrilling.*). I remember when I was a kid my parents bought me a personalised book with a story about me inside, and it freaked me out so much that I ripped it up in panic and disgust. Anyway, my search came to a definitive end once I got to a horrible song by a band called Watashi-Wa (described as 'Christian Pop Punk' – oh, is there anything worse?). I got so annoyed at the state of the human race and their feeble attempts to make music for the sake of it that I simply had to walk away from the whole enterprise.

On a different tone, so many people have died in the last two weeks. And so many of my friends are in pain or trouble. There's something bleak under the surface of this week's waters that I can't quite put my finger on. Not just for me and my peeps (Peeps? Really?), but for human beans in general. Hmm.

Also, as a side note, I have absolutely no patience for little boys with big egos. Don't think I haven't got my guard up. And don't think that I don't know exactly how to handle people like you. Ooh, cryptic!

As of Friday I shall be adventuring around the country. And it's about time: I've left it far too long this time. Any Place But Here - though I tend to feel like that if I'm anywhere for more than a couple of months. I need a job where I can travel the world. What a shame I'm so rubbish with languages!

Something to ponder on this week is a quote from Steven King's Pet Cemetery: 'the soil of a man's heart is stonier'. I tend to agree, but not in a bitter feminist way. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it's more to do with having more solid ground to walk over in today's society. Or maybe it refers to men having a different kind of strength to that of women.

You don't get any pictures today because you've all been bad. BAD! Go to your rooms.

*I'd just like to point out that that doesn't mean I want to be kidnapped. So don't go getting any ideas.

'They'll tell you black is really white, the moon is just the sun at night, and when you walk in golden halls you get to keep the gold that falls'

Having been out of the house working almost solidly for the best part of two days, I've been trying to relax since I got home. And what has finally made me relax, you say? Well, I shall tell you. I sat at the piano and I played it. When I can't get to my beautiful piano for a few days, life seems different somehow...

It's a good job I can have music on when I'm doing things in the office at work, or I really would be the most depressed person you could ever meet. It really is like a drug. The best fucking drug in the world, man. A couple of hours without it and I'm hungry.

'Seek the core, the unique, the outstanding - shun the worthless and the mediocre.'

- Frost (from Satyricon and 1349)

'It's something I have to do, I was there too: before everything else, I was like you.'

'They tell us Rock'n'roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.' - Bill Hicks

Roll up, roll up! The time has come for another tedious list of things I've done over the last couple of weeks!

Joanna has:

...had too much to drink at work Christmas outings. My blue hair was the shizzle though.

...enjoyed time watching Ma'anit bake everyone Christmas goodies and drinking Bailey's coffee with Liat who came out with the quote of the day...nay, week...when she randomly started chuckling to herself and said 'Ma'anit, if you had your own chocolate factory, you'd be Willy Wanker!'

...officially broken two laptops in the space of six months. Luckily, my friend Zachary is a blinkin' genie-arse and is constantly operating on my poor computers. Thank-you Doctor ZacharyradiatorfaceCathedralpantsMcGinty the third Esquire! Yeah...if you don't know my friends and me then that will mean nothing to you. Still, a bit of mystery is good for the soul: don't say I never do anything for all you lovely readers our there!

...watched 'The Devil's Music'. What a bloody fantastic piece of work that was! Erica Spawn is such a compelling character, one couldn't help but become captivated with her and the story surrounding her. The documentary format may well have been done plenty of times but they made it work brilliantly. Some of the acting was a bit 'iffy' but the main actors had their parts down to an art and, just like all the classic films in the spooky genre (yes, that is now an official genre. Promise) there was an element of humour weaved into the entire thing. The film was sexy, atmospheric, and extremely watchable. I think one of the things I enjoyed most about it was that the characters were just like lots of real people I know. Very good, yes yes.

Phwoar!

...had well-needed family time. Time spent with my nephews and nephette is like water when my heart is running dry.

...been visited by the wonderful Jo and her crazy kids. We stayed in a hotel and bothered the receptionists with stupid questions and constant requests for more tea-bags and milk. Good times, as all the kids seem to be saying these days. You need your confidence back Jo, and I know you can do it. Those kids have a wild spirit like you do and that is no bad thing. I'm here with you every step of the way.

...started to hear the nickname Calamity even from people I work for now. I went to the house of someone I give support to (for those of you who are unaware, I'm a support worker for people with learning disabilities...but if you didn't already know that you're clearly not stalking me very well so far) the other day and, in the space of four and a half hours, managed to pull one of his curtains/blinds down, knock a picture off the wall, and I pulled a chair over with my bag on the way out. Doh! Also, while I was there, I cut my finger on a pair of safety scissors. I'm beginning to think it's me who needs support with my daily living...

Life is like the snow: the more of it there is, the harder it is to manage; the more that comes down on you, the harder it is to walk in and wade through. But, by the gods, it's beautiful.

'These sunless afternoons I can't find myself'

'They don't fear the wolf, but the wild within'

So. In Medway, one has the opportunity to do a course in 'The Art of Accessorising - Accessorise your outfits: jewellery and handbags' but not to study A Levels. Gee thanks, Adult 'Education' Centre. Oh hello misanthropy, I wasn't aware you'd be joining us this-evening! But look - there you are! For anyone who would ever choose the above course over an A Level or anything that requires a modicum of intelligence or thought: die, die, and double die.

The last few days have seen Joanna in several different places. Par example:

+ I have been lost in another world entirely whist watching Verdi Requiem in Cranbrook. James was there with his big bass drum. He wasn't playing in the concert - he just stood at the back with a drum he'd carted along himself...for fun. I must have enjoyed myself because when the show was over one of the violin players approached me and said 'your face when the Soprano hit her top C was an absolute picture!'. Yes, my face gives away all. The concert was in St. Dunstan's Church. The soloists were marvelous. And the whole thing smelt particularly middle class.

+ I have been to work a lot. Someone I work with has just broken her leg so I'm helping to cover some shifts. Because I'm nice like that. (I've just noticed that I mentioned the very same thing in my previous post but I'm not going to re-word this or change it because that fact that I've written it twice should give you a good idea of how forgetful and generally pointless my brain can be! Also, I can't actually be bothered.)

+ I have been to Covent Garden and 'done lunch' Italian stylie, and then to a Christmas Sing-A-Long at the Royal Albert Hall. This trip was for work so it wasn't all fun and games. I was lucky enough to have done the trip with Kay though who is fantabulous and had me in constant giggles throughout the day. One of my favourite quotes of the day (ooh, we haven't done that in a while, have we?!) was during 'We Three Kings of Orient Are' when Kay sang the line 'Frankinscense to offer have I' and then turned to me and uttered 'or do I?'. Now, I do not like Christmas songs in general and nothing was really going to top the Verdi Req' from the night before. There was a particular moment during the show when I smiled to myself and realised the confirmation that this wasn't reeeeaaaally 'my kind of thing', and that moment was when I caught myself looking around the stalls - during a watered down version of 'Winter Wonderland' sung by a woman with a large bottom and even larger stage-school bad habits and techniques to her voice - and thinking '...I wonder what the maximum capacity of this venue is...'. And may the gods bless those poor session musicians who have to work through that crap every night. We also saw the most glorious waste of energy: the Oxford Street Christmas lights. Okay, okay, it was quite pretty I suppose ;-)

+ I have also been to memory-land with Sonata Arctica when they randomly popped up on my playlist and, becoming captured by the sweet melodies and adorably bad use of the English language, I listened to almost every album of theirs I own.

One place I have not been to however, is the land of noddington. To bedfordshire. And oh, how I miss it dreadfully....I'm beginning to sound more and more like an Enid Blyton character....I'd better watch that.

'Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.'

'Away, and mock the time with fairest show'

'...Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?'

Change or accept. Just don't sit in the middle complaining.

Oh hello there random song from Sweeney Todd - why have you suddenly appeared in my head? And why will you not leave?!

I had to take someone to hospital last week and I spent far too long chuckling about the fact that Medway Maritime Hospital has a 'Penguin Assessment Unit'.

Someone at work has broken her leg and so we're all scuttling around trying to cover her shifts. Finding a balance between all the important things in life can be difficult but if you love the things in your life it's all worth it. And if the things in your life love you back, they understand...yes, I'm half asleep and talking gibberish.

Gibberish is a good word. I should use it more in everyday sentences. Along with nincompoop, flabbergasted, and sesquipedalian.

Becca's birthday party was a classic night as always - even if she got so drunk that she thought she was having a stroke.

I'd like to take this moment to send out the following message into the ether: Thank you Chris Morris for 'Four Lions'. Just thank you. Right in the face. There was much hearty laughter ('Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.'); there were tears; there were gut-wrenching moments of empathy and agony, especially for the families of the characters ('I'm taking my team up to the top floor now. I'll see you up there.'); there were knowing nods at the multitude of satirical references and painful truths that cleverly weaved through the entire thing ('These are real bad times, bro. Islam is cracking up. We got women talking back. We got people playing stringed instruments. It's the end of days!'). The characters were beautifully acted and the plot perfectly conveyed the messages intended by the filmmakers. ..I'm gushing a bit. And you can tell I used to be an English literature student by the amount of quotes used to back up my points. I'm so transparent.

Also...everyone hates 'How Not To Live Your Life'...from which I concur that everyone is stupid. How difficult is it to pick up on the subtle humours and sarcasms? The glitter of personality that sparkles throughout the dialogue? That program is not as one-dimensional as everyone claims or wants it to be. So there.

And that just about concludes today's inane ramblings. Congratulations if you made it this far! Here: have a biscuit.

More people smile at each other when they're trying to walk in snow..

..which to me seems the perfect little example of how the human race form tighter communities when they have something to fight against or struggle through.

Though I'm not struggling; I bloody love this weather! More snow plskthx.

Wigmore Park this very morn'!

Tales from a struggling support worker, nursery nurse, and writer.

My sister Caroline: 'Can you save all your poetry please? So that when you die an old lady at 87 (random) we can all sell your work and make a fortune?'

Charming! Also, I see a slight technical problem there, dear sister...you'll be 94 at the time.

And as a side note, I'd quite like to make the fortune from them myself before that! Who wants to be my agent and publish my stories and poems for free? Anyone?

No?

Bollocks.

The universe: 'Maybe you should actually start sending some of your work off to people again. That might help, you actual twat!'

'Life, like poker, has an element of risk. It shouldn't be avoided. It should be faced.'

Blimey! An update!

I begin today's meeting by proclaiming the next statement as truthings:

It is pathetic when couples get joint Facebook accounts and the like. By all means stand together against hardships and the rest of the world blah blah, but when you represent the TWO of you as ONE thing/entity/being/whatever it all gets a bit gay and scary. Be your damn selves ffs.

I hate feeling like I have to think carefully about every little thing I write in my own blog. And actually...I'm not doing that from now on.

I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The first film in ages that has actually had a relatively deep affect on me freaky-wise. It's like a nightmare that spirals into darker and darker corners of the mind. The lack of music was extremely effective, instead there are deep throbbing noises and screeches (like the sounds of madness) and the screams of the lead character...oh, the screams - they cut right through you. A fantastic film. Also, lol at the Hitchhiker's first appearance 'I have this knife!' although I feel sorry for him and want to look after him. Until...ya know...we meet him later on in the film. Even I'm not quite that understanding.

Here he is. And he has this knife. Which is a good knife. Apparently.

So what else have I been doing for the past two and a half weeks? I shall tell you, yes I shall. I've had lovely times at Halloween parties (though my last-minute elf costume didn't go down too well...everyone just thought I had a shit witch's costume on - didn't any of you ever see LotR? Jeeeeeeez! :P), got to know Stef and Dave a bit better (yay, smashing people indeed!), been to Bluewater (or the set of Hollyoaks - the distinction can be somewhat blurred at times), waited in a hospital with someone for ages and listened to the stressy man next to us get more and more irrate until they gave in and let him in before us - seriously, accidentally stepped in sick (Joanna, you really didn't need to clarify that was an accident...), received some of the best birthday gifts ever; including surprise fairy dresses and the most awesome home-made cake/sweetie-castle known to the living world - thank you Zak and James!!! I'm sure there's more to tell but none more shall be told because that list is quite long enough, thank you very much!

Kickboxing is awesome. I never thought I'd be interested in anything to do with Martial Arts...at least not enough to go somewhere each week to do it or buy things to help me train. Train. Hark at me!

Sitting on a bus full of teenagers in all-too-familiar school uniforms can make you think...I still didn't feel like I'd have anything to say to them or they'd have anything to say to me. I felt the same way as I would have done during my teens when faced with that situation - not fear, not apprehension...just general...detachment from the human race. (I'd put my headphones in my ears and listen to something amazing instead of listening to nonsense about boys and make-up). And then I noticed this one guy sitting at the front of the bus. He was a big guy and had crutches and everyone had their backs to him. He looked pretty calm and collected and just reached up and drew a Slipknot 'S' in the condensation of the window. I felt proud. The other kids were all pretty much ignoring him because he was not like the rest of them. And then I realised that I had it all wrong at school: Instead of trying to understand why I wasn't like everybody else, I needed to accept why they weren't like me. Which is when I found peace really. Socially, anyway. Peace in general can be a deadly, destructive place to be.

That's quite enough rambling for the day, Joanna.

BEHOLD: A quote within a quote...

'Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.' '