Ode to Georgina

You are a life's gift.
You are one of my spirit-sisters.

Everything you are and everything you ever have been,
everything you have yet to be
keeps the breath in my lungs and the dreams in my heart;
keeps the words on my tongue and at my fingertips;
and the magic in the hours.


Nothing can replace the happiness in having known you for so many years.
Through bitter memories, through tragedy, through premature and unexpected death, through new lives, through sweetness, through the mud, through the dark, the black, the pure and the gold,
we have swam, surfed and drowned together.

You are one of life's gifts.

All that glitters is my gold

I've had a truly lovely, relaxing and enlightening weekend.

I shall post in more detail when I'm less busy with wine and literature and great company.

Cheerio!

The bitter suite

I love it here. So much that I almost just ate something.

'A life lived in fear is a live half-lived'

Pete and Wendy have donated to me a lovely old bureau. How kind! And today Pete and Pete (yes, isn't life confusing?) have been moving things around in my room up in Wolverhampton in preparation for ME! Also, we're all going on holiday together to the Scottish Highlands next Easter! Gosh, I'm excited. When Carrie and Pete come to stay in July they're taking a lot of my stuff back with them so there will be less hassle when the day of the move arrives.

For those of you who have no idea who I'm talking about and are actually interested:
Carrie and Pete: The middle of us sisters and her husband (my adopted big bro-fo). These two lucky people are who I shall be living with in Wolverhampton.
Pete and Wendy: Carrie and Pete's best friends.

Well, now we've got all of that out the way I'd just like to add a big, fat, giant, voluptuous, gargantuan SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for the closing-in of my time here in Kent. Joanna is officially excited.

I would say it's about time that I started meeting up with people to say goodbye but that's hard with no moolah to celebrate with. My money problems should be sorted by the middle of next week though so yay me!

Note to self: This entry is beginning to sound like the ramblings of a fluffy teenager. Sort it aaahhht.

Aghem. So, I'm babysitting this weekend (still sounds like the life of an American teen, Joanna) which I'm looking forward to. Ben's gorgeous blue eyes and Ewan's cheeky grin await me and much fun shall ensue. Carrie and Pete are having me my own door key cut this week so I'll be able to take the boys into town on the bus or something on Saturday.

This still sounds fluffy and boring but I don't care. I declare, from hereon forth, that my journal shall consist of whatever drivle and bumble it jolly well feels like containing. And with that in mind I'd like to add that my breasts are increasing rapidly in size for no real reason.

Well, if you made it this far through the jumble and tumble I applaude you. Toodles poodles.

'Sing with me, sing for the years'

I've just been reading through all my old LiveJournals. That's right, journals! It's very strange: I sounded a lot happier three/four years ago but I really wasn't! Also, my use of the English language was completely different to how it is now. Now I'm much more expressive and poetic, but less amusing. Remedies - they must be discovered!


As I don't have to take much furniture with me when I leave, the prospect of hiring a van seems depleted. Which is silly really because my books alone will fill the car to the brim. Let's not even approach the subject of the amount of clothes one owns, whatwhatwhat!

There's a 'scheduled outage at 3:00pm PDT.' - I don't know what a PDT is so I'm going to ignore that.
'You don't know what a Rotten Borough is: do you, George?'

Note to self and all else who cares to listen: Stadium rock is where it's at, mu'fucker.
What 'it' is or where exactly it's 'at' I am unsure. But, by God, it's there.

I am suffering from frustration of a sexual nature. Werewolf killers just don't cut it, I'm afraid. How do lesbians do it?

I could go into muchos spiritual stuff right now but I shan't. IT'S A SECRET!

Somebody buy me this coat plzkthx:

Rebel Girl

Am I too old to be listening to Bikini Kill?

Pfft, who cares!

*dances around like a loon*

It was no surface but all feeling

New beginnings must be made, created, molded.

'What's the point in always looking back when all you see is more and more junk?'

I can't keep looking back. It gets us nowhere, it brings us nothing. Threads of memory tie to people more than anything else and that must be accepted: but to tie your here and now to those threads, refusing to let them go, stubbornly denying oneself the creation of new ones is just foolish.

My life has been incredible, because of myself and because of other people. I won't let it stop being so simply because I have loved and lost.

The beautiful thing about life is that, unless you're going to die in the next minute, there is always more time. Time to change your situations, your perspectives, in order to make you happier. Change and progression (and the acceptance of which) are essential components to happiness.

'It was no surface but all feeling - maybe at the time it felt like dreaming'

You taught me so much, probably more than you or I will ever begin to realise, but it is fundamentally right to now look forward if all the past brings you is the same old ground and the same old fears (thanks Pink Floyd).

Saying goodbye is hard. It's something that I, in particular, find especially difficult for many reasons. To be the person I am, to live the life I want and to achieve my potential not just academically but as a human being, this is what must be done. Perhaps I will always feel this hole in my heart, perhaps nobody else will ever have the personality, the spark, the colour and the will to fill it but I cannot dream of what lays behind me. And what has happened in the last two months just proves, without opposition, that this is not meant to be.

It really was no surface but all feeling. My love for you ruled my working, personal and spiritual life; it ruled my everything - I continue to question this as a good or bad thing - but something inside me has given up. Why? Maybe my soul realised that exhaustive and fruitless energies directed at someone I am plainly not compatible with stunts my growth in every area. Perhaps you are the one I am most compatible with...and that is why it had to end - because it really was the be all and end all (for want of a better cliche). Maybe I met you too early in life and I was supposed to settle down with you later in life when I had already done everything I need to. Maybe we just fucked it all up because we both feel too much, and feel too much in different areas from each other.

There were times when you made me feel stupid, worthless and impossible. There were times when I made you feel the same. Now I have a clarity that tears, destroys and punishes the mist of infatuation I had for you. That life cannot be like this for any longer.

I cannot lie and say that I no longer think about you. I cannot lie and say that I do not feel, at this moment, that nobody will ever compare to you. But I have exhausted this Catch 22, this love/hate, this impossible situation to the end of its existence so that there is nothing left to do but leave it behind as a relic, a cenotaph erected in my heart for the rest of my breathing days and perhaps beyond. I also cannot lie and say that I'm glad it never worked. I wish it had. But it didn't. It just didn't.

I don't just see life as a challenge and a series of lessons, I see it as an experience and, my god, we experienced love and depth that I find hard to express with humble words or tangible phrases because it was so much more than that. We are lucky to have experienced that at all - and to have experienced that with each other, I see as a great gift.

Be lucky, for you are lucky. Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn to love with no walls or even drawbridges. Learn to smile and laugh, and learn to accept the human race as it is. You are full of anger and despair at the world and you feel it as if you were god himself watching your creations destroy themselves. I don't think you ever realised that I have truly been where you are now. Please, please try to come out the other side - when you are ready of course - because it is where life begins. This is full of cliches isn't it? But then you'd say I always was.

Paraphrase - 'Shed some skin for the fear within is starting to hurt me with everything,
be freed from the memories and escape from our history.
And I just hope that you can forgive me but everything must go,
and if you need an explanation then everything must go.
Free us eventually,
just need to be happy..happy.'

I have to stop writing about this as I have to stop thinking about it, living it, drowning in it.

'I'm in love with the future.
I'm in love with the future
...
And there is so much time
and so much space to travel
and I will climb
and I will kiss the gravel.'

'Disco dancing with the rapists'

I worked this weekend. I am a mole for Jo's agency because people in the homes tell me what they think of our agency staff - because I'm white. And because I'm English. This is just....I cannot explain how sick this makes me feel. But I have to shut up and listen to it. I will not tolerate racism but I can shut up and accept most of the other things they say. Not just because I like working there (believe it or not) but because I don't want to fuck up Jo's business for her. It's good that she has feedback about her staff from the nursing homes.

I'll only be there for two months and when I move I'm not doing care work again. I want to start looking after younger people, if anything.

Anyway, I've slept for twelve hours because this weekend exhausted me, and now I'm trying to get my brain on straight! Who am I? Where are we? Huh?

Jo is coming round in a little while which is good. I miss her all the time and she oozes relaxation. Err, perhaps I could have worded that better.

'Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear,
and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
take the wheel and steer:
It's driven me before
and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal -
But lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around;
But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found.'

I want to visit Africa. Maybe when I'm in my thirties I'll go there and patronise the entire race by adopting one of their underprivileged children.

My Chopper in the Stars. That's right, mine.

Johanna's Chopper by Gilby Clarke