It was no surface but all feeling

New beginnings must be made, created, molded.

'What's the point in always looking back when all you see is more and more junk?'

I can't keep looking back. It gets us nowhere, it brings us nothing. Threads of memory tie to people more than anything else and that must be accepted: but to tie your here and now to those threads, refusing to let them go, stubbornly denying oneself the creation of new ones is just foolish.

My life has been incredible, because of myself and because of other people. I won't let it stop being so simply because I have loved and lost.

The beautiful thing about life is that, unless you're going to die in the next minute, there is always more time. Time to change your situations, your perspectives, in order to make you happier. Change and progression (and the acceptance of which) are essential components to happiness.

'It was no surface but all feeling - maybe at the time it felt like dreaming'

You taught me so much, probably more than you or I will ever begin to realise, but it is fundamentally right to now look forward if all the past brings you is the same old ground and the same old fears (thanks Pink Floyd).

Saying goodbye is hard. It's something that I, in particular, find especially difficult for many reasons. To be the person I am, to live the life I want and to achieve my potential not just academically but as a human being, this is what must be done. Perhaps I will always feel this hole in my heart, perhaps nobody else will ever have the personality, the spark, the colour and the will to fill it but I cannot dream of what lays behind me. And what has happened in the last two months just proves, without opposition, that this is not meant to be.

It really was no surface but all feeling. My love for you ruled my working, personal and spiritual life; it ruled my everything - I continue to question this as a good or bad thing - but something inside me has given up. Why? Maybe my soul realised that exhaustive and fruitless energies directed at someone I am plainly not compatible with stunts my growth in every area. Perhaps you are the one I am most compatible with...and that is why it had to end - because it really was the be all and end all (for want of a better cliche). Maybe I met you too early in life and I was supposed to settle down with you later in life when I had already done everything I need to. Maybe we just fucked it all up because we both feel too much, and feel too much in different areas from each other.

There were times when you made me feel stupid, worthless and impossible. There were times when I made you feel the same. Now I have a clarity that tears, destroys and punishes the mist of infatuation I had for you. That life cannot be like this for any longer.

I cannot lie and say that I no longer think about you. I cannot lie and say that I do not feel, at this moment, that nobody will ever compare to you. But I have exhausted this Catch 22, this love/hate, this impossible situation to the end of its existence so that there is nothing left to do but leave it behind as a relic, a cenotaph erected in my heart for the rest of my breathing days and perhaps beyond. I also cannot lie and say that I'm glad it never worked. I wish it had. But it didn't. It just didn't.

I don't just see life as a challenge and a series of lessons, I see it as an experience and, my god, we experienced love and depth that I find hard to express with humble words or tangible phrases because it was so much more than that. We are lucky to have experienced that at all - and to have experienced that with each other, I see as a great gift.

Be lucky, for you are lucky. Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn to love with no walls or even drawbridges. Learn to smile and laugh, and learn to accept the human race as it is. You are full of anger and despair at the world and you feel it as if you were god himself watching your creations destroy themselves. I don't think you ever realised that I have truly been where you are now. Please, please try to come out the other side - when you are ready of course - because it is where life begins. This is full of cliches isn't it? But then you'd say I always was.

Paraphrase - 'Shed some skin for the fear within is starting to hurt me with everything,
be freed from the memories and escape from our history.
And I just hope that you can forgive me but everything must go,
and if you need an explanation then everything must go.
Free us eventually,
just need to be happy..happy.'

I have to stop writing about this as I have to stop thinking about it, living it, drowning in it.

'I'm in love with the future.
I'm in love with the future
...
And there is so much time
and so much space to travel
and I will climb
and I will kiss the gravel.'