In Remote Part

'Imaginations from the other side'
Sylvia Plath's seemingly arrogant comment about god writing through her has always struck a chord with me. Because I know what she means. Anyone who creates must have felt like this at some point. Perhaps it's Bragi who bypasses my brain and goes straight to my fingers, brushing them with silver and words. But then it does not feel like exclusively 'male' input. Not that I'm claiming my stories or poetry to be anything close to greatness or celestial. But I know how it feels to be caught in the current of vision, until your universe is flooded with ideas and clarity of thought. It's like taking Ecstacy, or surfing the clouds on the back of some mighty bird of prey.

Bunny-boiling buddies
So many of my friends talk to me about their relationship troubles. And that's entirely fine, though it's not like I can give any sort of constructive advice on this particular chestnut, let's face it! I do like to know every sordid little detail that runs screaming or sobbing through the minds of my friends though. Does that make me some sort of voyeur? Aaaanyway, it's surprising to me how many people just have no idea where they stand at the moment. And then they're at serious risk of being seen as crazies. You know, the only times I've ever acted strangely or \cuckoo/ towards a guy I was seeing were because I didn't know where I stood.

So that seems to be the rule: if someone has no idea where they stand in your eyes and your heart, they will go a bit weird on you. Simple as. It's like being told that you have exactly five seconds to choose between three identical apples - the eating of each will have its own different consequences and effects. You find it hard to hold steady and think straight.

I don't know why I needed to type so much to make that small observation. But that's what I did. Deal with it.

I'm going to Maidstone with Ma'anit tomorrow evening. This looks to be funsies. I hate it when people say funsies. Well, why write it then? Sod off

Toodles poodles!

and so I'll bury every clue

'Tear the petals off of you...'

Yesterday Matt and I went to the pub and drank too much. It was just like old times - but better (because I'm actually a pretty happy person these days!). It's great to have him back in my life properly. He's always been an amazing friend to me. And I finally met his two adorable daughters. Leonie is such a mixture of Matt and his wife Rachel, looks-wise. Also I chatted to some middle-aged punks outside the pub and I was thinking 'I bet they're accountants during the day, or something'...and guess what? They bleedin' well were! Apparently I look like 'the sort of person who plays a musical instrument'. Which is interesting.

Today was a good day. Picnic times and houmous fights (damn you, Mr. Cookenhausen!). Shelli provided us with the quote of the day - 'that's the most middle-class food fight I've seen in my life. You two, and houmous.' Then lovely chattage with Toby, and a brass band in Southfleet. Even if it was all a bit Christian for my liking. But I was there for my friend James and the music, so that made it okay. I really enjoyed the Shostakovich (good old freaky political Russians) but there was a distinct lack of Radetzky March at the end - BOOHISSBOO!

Yes, I am a heavy-metal-hippie who likes classical music - what of it?

'Listen carefully to the sound...'

Lesson of the day:
Listening to cheesey stadium rock is where it's at.

The last couple of days have consisted of giggles with good friends and an increasingly unsettled mental state about this bloody job! Pleeeaaase let me know either way! They have sent off for my references: said references begin by saying - 'Joanna (I'mnottellingyoumymiddlename) Baker has been offered the position of support worker at...' But I haven't been offered the position. *insert confused face here*.

Picnic tomorrow! Yay!

Do I have anything of interest to say? Not really.

Joanna is extremely happy about being in touch with Nera-noodles again! I've always felt so connected to her, whether we're in contact or not. She's one of the best people to talk to ever. She's beautiful, and intelligent, and she really cares about things. Important things. Special girl. Yes, yes.

And being back in Kent with Ma'anit also makes me extremely happy. She makes me so relaxed and every moment with her is fun or interesting or a mixture of the two.

Okay, gushing over.

I might get my lip pierced again. Nice one.

Oh, and pretty good news for us hippies.

'I am warm and close to those who deserve to see that side of me; part of me; the heart of me.'

Joanna would like to begin today's rambling by stating the following:
There is a great deal of difference between missing someone and wanting someone again. I miss lots of things from years bygone. But that doesn't mean I want them all to happen again. A part of me will always feel that way about him, deep down inside...because we never got a chance to completely ruin each other. But I have pride, and balls* and I don't like being messed around.

I'm going to stop being so damned nice to people who do mess me around. I'm going to stop making the effort with people who don't make the effort with me. Because friendship doesn't work like that, whatever has gone on in the past. I think that I often confuse being compassionate and understanding with simply being an idiot. I can't say I've ever really been messed around that much in my life but there comes a point at which you have to say to yourself...'it makes it easier on them for you to be understanding and a great friend, but what are you getting out of all this, Joanna?'. Thing is, most people find it easy to be selfish but I'm the other way around a lot of the time. And by covering up my selfish side, it doesn't mean I don't have it. I need to embrace the darker sides of myself as well as the light, otherwise....well, I'm only half a person.

Plus, if I'm totally honest, I fucking love my darker sides when I let them breathe.

Ohoho, that's right, Joanna's got her edge back and is fully herself again.

"As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?"

"He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."
"You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake!"

*that's right - balls!

'Dark have been my dreams of late'

These strange nightmares and nightvisions are back. I woke myself up last night calling out 'help' over and over again. The word and me calling it was incorporated into my dream. Twisted, dark, maddening, maniacal dreams that I can't even begin to write down on here. A world of darkness that I haven't been pulled into for a while. And there was a name that stood out, it came to me once I'd woken up. But I've no idea who that person is. It needs remembering though - someone is not quite what they seem. Not in my life but in someone else's, I think.

Urgh. You would totally understand ALL of this. I miss you.

Sod it, this is my journal and my feelings go into it, come what may.

'Well, if Peter hadn't caught the wolf? What then?'

I have had an awesome weekend. Laughs. Talkings. New musical discoveries (thanks to the wonderful Mr. Cookington). Maidstone Wind Symphony at The Exchange in Maidstone. Wokingham Schools Concert at the Hexagon in Reading.

I love the way James talks about music. He feels it right from his stomach, and with every single inch of himself (okay, I've just read that back to myself and it's not supposed to sound as rude as it does!). I only know a few other people like that. Besides that, anyone who has the same name as the Captain Cook is pretty damn awesome by default, let's face it!

I've just listened to Iced Earth's Gettysburg Trilogy in its entirety for the first time in about two years. I still adore it but whilst listening to the rest of that album I couldn't help thinking 'yeah okay Iced Earth; you're patriotic. We get it.' I've never felt like that before. Perhaps I'm just a bit cynical today because I'm feeling poorly and I didn't get the job I wanted. How gutting to be down to the final four/five people going for THREE available jobs and then not get it! It's like getting to the final of the X-Factor and then losing...I'd expect.

Now it's time for some Peter and the Wolf which I haven't listened to properly since childhood. Mum and Dad used to play it to me on an old Vinyl EP. It's bringing back memories. :)

Comfort food pls.

Fin.

'Do not hand that man a blow-torch!'

'Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this.

It's our time at the edge.'

Shame that what he's saying is totally inaccurate. But hey. It was the 80s.

My father is, this very moment, on the phone to his insurance company complaining about an incorrect sentence formation on their latest policy agreement.

I bloody love you Daddy.

<3

The path of apathy is often the cruelest

Am I a bigot for believing whole-heartedly that it's wrong to abuse children?

No.

Then what's the fucking difference? Abused children; abused animals. Both feel pain. Both suffer needlessly. There are no excuses. My dog Leo would probably taste good but, you know, I don't think I'll eat him today, thanks. Again, what's the difference? If you eat meat or even drink milk from a major UK supermarket; you are allowing cruelty to animals. Where does your food come from?

Click here and ask yourself: does your meat come from factory farms?

'Angels lie to keep control'

Wednesday night was pretty wicked, innit bruv. Brrrrap!*And I have found another sense-of-humour soulmate in the form of a Sophie. She's bloody spiffing, she is. Top hole! What what what!

Chatting and coffee with Matt today; lovely as always. He's always made me feel so relaxed. I have the best friends ever. Fact.

Sooooo, football season has started. OH JOY OF JOYS. This confirms me as a non-pubgoer for the next few weeks at least.

I have nothing of interest to say. But lots of look forward to. :)

*don't ever type that word again, Joanna. Please.

'Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. '

These past few days I have mostly been...

+ Spending time with lovely family who I don't see enough

+ Smoking too many cigarettes (what the fuck is new?)

+ As Dad calls it: Hound perambulation (there is something to be said for Daddy reading the dictionary in his spare time, I suppose)

+ Catching up with old friends (so lovely to see Sharon yesterday!)

+ Trying to figure out the actions of my friends' complicated boy-crushes for them. To no avail. Naturally.

+ Drinking Vodka for the first time in about five years! (And bloody good it was too! Though I must admit the choice of Cherry-aid as an accompaniment was somewhat dubious...)

+ Walking more than the Worldwide Walking Champions. And they walk a lot, I can tell you.

+ Looking forward to Shelli's birthday 'mash-up' ('it's a mash-up! A pie and mash-up!') tonight and to Tom's party on Saturday! Yay!

+ and the usual tiresome rigmarole of job-hunting.

'Most Gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess; and you don't find out till too late that he's been playing with two queens all along' - Terry Pratchett

Sleep shall burn in hell for being the thief of time!

As my Father mumbles to himself downstairs, shuffling around turning off each plug socket in his neurotic bed-time ritual, I sit here wishing there were enough hours in the day, enough mental juice and concentration, to write down every character, storyline, phrase that runs through my mind.

Never tasted dreadful water after sky had turned to blue.

Anatomy of your enemy

10 easy steps to create an enemy and start a war:

Listen closely because we will all see this weapon used in our lives.

It can be used on a society of the most ignorant to the most highly educated.

We need to see these tactics as a weapon against humanity and not as truth.

First step: Create the enemy. Sometimes this will be done for you.

Second step: Be sure the enemy that you have chosen is nothing like you.

Find obvious differences like race, language, religion, dietary habits, fashion.

Emphasize that their soldiers are not doing a job;

they are heartless murderers who enjoy killing.

Third step: Once these differences are established, continue to reinforce them

with all disseminated information.

Fourth step: Have the media broadcast only the ruling party's information -

this can be done through state run media.

Remember, in times of conflict all for-profit media repeats the ruling party's information.

Therefore all for-profit media is state-run.

Fifth step: show this enemy in actions that seem strange, militant, or different.

Always portray the enemy as non-human, evil, a killing machine.

Sixth step: Eliminate opposition to the ruling party.

Create an 'Us versus Them' mentality. Leave no room for opinions in between.

One that does not support all actions of the ruling party should be considered a traitor.

Seventh step: Use nationalistic and/or religious symbols and rhetoric to define all actions.

This can be achieved with slogans such as 'freedom loving people versus those who hate freedom.'

This can also be achieved with the use of flags.

Eighth step: Align all actions with the dominant deity.

It is very effective to use terms like, 'It is god's will' or 'god bless our nation.'

Ninth step: Design propaganda to show that your soldiers

have feelings, hopes, families, and loved ones.

Make it clear that your soldiers are doing a duty; they do not want or like to kill.

Tenth step: Create an atmosphere of fear and instability,

then offer the ruling party as the only solutions to comfort the public's fears.

Remembering the fear of the unknown is always the strongest fear.

We are not countries. We are not nations. We are not religions.

We are not gods. We are not weapons. We are not ammunition. We are not killers.

We will not be tools.

I will not die

I will not kill

I will not be your slave

I will not fight your battle

I will not die on your battlefield

I will not fight for your wealth

I am not a fighter

I am a human being.

'She's a magical, mystical womaaannnn!'

I have just woken up from a dream in which I was helping a God fight a Giant. Pretty fucking cool I must say. It was like a duel in the middle of a battle, everyone stopped and watched us. I was rubbish, haha! He kept throwing this big boulder at me. My role was that of the Shaman. Of course. As always.

Well, this week has consisted of random drinks out with old friends, hair dying, keeping on Daddy's good side (oh yes!), nuptials, endless conversation and laughter, epic falls (and I mean EPIC! I have the scars to prove it!) , spending way too much money on public transport, and meeting of new friends! A bloody good week I'd say, old chaps! What what!

I don't have much of interest to say. Except I almost punched someone at the wedding during the official picture time because he tried taking a photo of my cleavage. He behaved as though I'd be fine with it, as if I should be flattered. Urgh. Fuck off.

I have my interview today. If I don't get the job I'll be annoyed because I could be visiting my peeps in Wolverhampton right now! Fare ye well and a merry path before you all this day!